Bad Mother Confessions

A couple nights ago, I finally had a chance to watch "Sex and the City 2" (thank goodness for DVDs, because let's face it, otherwise I'd never see movies). I loved the movie -- not because of anything specifically great about it, but because it's simply another adventure with the girls -- and I especially loved one scene in particular. In this scene, Miranda wants Charlotte to loosen up a little about what's bothering her, and her efforts turn their time together into an impromptu drinking game of "bad mother confessions." Miranda is thankful that she's a working mom, Charlotte is thankful to get away from her kids for a few days, they're both thankful for live-in help (and wonder aloud how other moms do it on their own, ha!). They both admit these things with tears and guilty laughter, and I admit to laughing along with tears in my own eyes. SO MUCH of motherhood is guilt. Neverending, unrelenting, always-whispering-in-your-ear kind of guilt. So as a bit of catharsis, here's my own list of bad mother confessions (drink along if you want):

• If my kids don't develop perfectly on schedule according to a consensus of childcare books and what the Internet says, then obviously I'm failing as a mother. Even if my pediatrician tells me otherwise. And says the Internet is wrong.
• I don't record every waking moment of their lives. I read some blogs where moms write down everything. And I mean, everything. I get exhausted just reading the blog posts, so I have no idea how these moms do it.
• I don't have my kids (namely, Will) involved in 800 community and kid's events and programs. I don't even have him in 1 program. Because, honestly, I live in a crappy community, I don't know anyone here, and oh yeah, I have a 3-month-old that I'd have to drag along. But these facts don't assuage my guilt.
• My children live far away from their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. And even though we're trying desperately to change this situation, I still feel worse than pond scum when we drive away from Indiana after a visit. Like I'm somehow in control of the situation! But this doesn't make me feel better.
• I feel bad about letting Will watch "too much" TV (what is that, anyway?). I feel bad about feeding Lucy formula. I feel bad if we don't get outside every day. I feel bad if I spend "too much" time with Lucy and "not enough" with Will. If I'm spending time exclusively with one child, then that means one child is getting the shaft (if that child happens to be awake). And this makes me crazy with guilt.
• If Will finds a crumb on the floor and puts it in his mouth, then I have obviously failed to provide a clean environment for my child. If Will stumbles on something or pinches his finger in something, then I have obviously failed to provide a safe environment for my child.

I was semi-joking with Marty and Jessie last night over dinner when I told them that, sometimes, Will looks at me like, "I'm on to you, Mom. You've never done this before, have you?" And I just want to crumple up and shout "YES! It's true, I'm a complete novice! I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I'm just trying to survive here! And keep you guys safe and clean and fed, and I can't manage anything beyond that most days!!!"

Clearly, I need to loosen up myself. I know this. I envy those moms who seem to roll with each skinned knee and tantrum and poopy blowout. I'm not there yet. And to help get me there, I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus from blog-reading and Internet searches on child development and just all the other things that drive me crazy with feelings of inadequacy. I'm even thinking of taking a break from Facebook (too addicted) and email (too neglected anyway). I need to hunker down and really find some new focus, and learn to allow myself to be the mom that I want to be, not the mom that I feel I should be in comparison to others. And give myself a break! I had 2 babies in less than 13 months, so I think I deserve it!!!

I've promised to write so many posts here and I still intend to write those posts. And I've promised myself to get caught up in a zillion other areas. And I will. But it's time to take a deep breath. Life has been a whirlwind and I need to stand still, get my bearings, and forge a clear path ahead, unhampered by outrageous expectations of myself. Wish me luck! (And if you'd like, come pour me a drink and share a confession or two of your own!)

As promised, from the last post...

Two months

Dearest Lucy,

You are now 2 months old, and you have changed quite a bit in the last month! On September 9th, you smiled in recognition of me for the very first time and I was hard-pressed not to melt into a puddle on the floor as a result! Since then, you have been smiling more and more every day, and when you are full and dry and feeling wakeful, that's all you do -- smile, smile, smile! You are just our little sunshine. On the night of September 15th into the morning of the 16th, you slept 8 hours straight -- through the night! I was astonished at this feat. I can only see it as a sign that you love sleep as much as your Mama does, and in that case, thank God! Your brother still fights sleep with all his might, so having at least one of my children be a sleep-lover is a huge relief.

I'm a few days late in writing this, and just this week, you've begun some transitions. You're no longer fitting so well into your 0-3 month clothes, so I started breaking out your 3-6 month duds. They are still very large on you, but not so large you can't wear them. You're growing WAY too fast! We somehow missed a doctor's appointment for you, so I'm not sure of your weight and height, but measuring the old-fashioned way (holding you on the scale here at home, then weighing myself and subtracting the difference), you weighed roughly 12 pounds, a big girl! We also just bought your first box of size 2 Swaddler diapers. I could hardly believe it when I was loading it into the cart. You're also still nursing (and doing much better than you did as a newborn), but you also take formula throughout the day when I need a break. You go from bottle to breast with absolute ease and this is a big help to your Mommy!

I have to say, you're an absolute Mama's girl at this point. Sometimes you cry and nothing seems to fix it for you until I hold you, and then -- not every time, but often enough -- you will just magically be better. You and I take naps together on the couch, all cuddled up, and I find it just as relaxing as you seem to. Daddy got a cute picture of us doing this; I will post it here very soon!

Your eyelashes are really coming in now and your red hair is my pride and joy. You are going to be so beautiful, with your fair complexion and big blue eyes. I also pray often that you will be just as beautiful inside, and give of your beauty to the world! Lucy-girl, we love you so much!

Love,

Mama

This week's menu

This may be my most domestic post yet! I'm considering doing this every week -- planning my menu and going grocery-shopping, then posting it here to see how I do. On tap this week (Monday through Friday menus):

• Parmesan chicken and mashed butternut squash (Barefoot Contessa recipes; this will be my very first experience cooking with butternut squash!)
• Pot roast and wild rice
• Baked ziti with spinach
• Vegetable beef soup
• Asparagus quiche (recipe courtesy of Kate)

Wish me luck!

Absolutely random

• I run my dishwasher at least twice a day, sometimes three. I feel like a raging environmentalist might target me for punishment. But it is the only way I maintain a clean kitchen and a pile of clean bottles for both my kids. And this, my friends, is sanity. (Of course, my hands are nearly raw with chap from rinsing all those dishes and washing after a zillion dirty diapers...I could use a good recommendation for lotion, and don't tell me Eucerin because I despise the stuff.)
• I would give serious money to be able to bottle up a smell; namely, "eau de Lucy's neck." She has that milky-sweet smell that all new babies have, yet it is also somehow uniquely her. I must kiss her neck a thousand times a day.
• Will and I had a great day today. Basically, I let him toddle around, emptying drawers and cabinets and playing with their contents (closely supervised). He thought this was the greatest thing ever. I had a blast just watching him enjoy himself so much. (Why is anything more fun when it's usually off-limits?)
• I browse a lot of blogs. I haven't been able to do this very much in the last few weeks (for some reason or another, *snort*), but since returning to my usual blog reading I've been struck more than ever by the disparity of experiences out there among women my age. The separation in financial blessing is perhaps the most shocking -- there are a few girls who truly have more money than sense -- but also the differences in life circumstances. Some seem to be virtually problem-free whereas others are struggling with situations that are beyond my comprehension in levels of pain and suffering. My takeaways are usually the same -- first, "Becky, don't judge." You just never know what a person may be hiding. I hid a horrible marriage for years and years. Made everything look dandy and kosher on the surface, yet in private, hurt very deeply. Second, "Becky, don't compare." I've found that comparison breeds envy faster than rabbits have babies. And envy opens the door to so many other nasty feelings: self-pity, greed, discontent. Yuck to all. Which leads me to my third takeaway: "Becky, be thankful." God has blessed me beyond my wildest imaginings. I once thought my life was an irredeemable wasteland but God made beauty from those ashes. And it's so important for me to always keep this perspective!
• I made an observation to a dear friend the other day that brought me up short: in commenting on her busy life, I rather absentmindedly observed that besides my husband, kids, and home, I have no commitments. I was shocked to realize this! I've always had my fingers in various inkwells -- coffee dates, yoga classes, Bible studies, family activities, etc. But here in Tennessee where my social network doesn't extend beyond my four walls, neither does my life. Part of me is extremely thankful for this; a host of other commitments would surely drive me to the looney bin (well, faster than I'm headed there now, anyhow). However, a girl needs to do something outside her domestic duties! The only thing is, I've tried branching out socially and all attempts failed. So I'm wondering what I could do? I'm contemplating freelance writing, if anyone would publish something I write. It's worth a look-see, in any case. Anybody have any other ideas?
• I'm obsessed with Pottery Barn. I swear, in the last few catalogs, they have really upped their game. A couple years ago they seemed to be veering toward more American styles, which is absolutely not my taste. Lately, however, the products seem to be more and more European-influenced. Seems like every other item is Provence-this or Tuscany-that! YES, please!!! I told Marty that he's going to have to find a way to support my Pottery Barn habit. Right now I'm confined to mere window-shopping and that ain't gonna cut it!
• I hear Lucy waking up so that's all the randomness from me for the moment. Happy weekend!

She's a Lucy, alright

Please meet my daughter, the redhead:

Lucy's paternal great-grandfather was actually known as "Red Conway" for his hair; I think she is definitely a throwback to him! When she was born, her hair was light brown, almost blond-ish, but with each hairwash her hair turns a little more red. The hair at the nape of her neck is darker, so I'm not sure which way she's going to go -- auburn or strawberry-blond. In any case, she's a Lucy alright!

(p.s. This explains a lot about the drama involved in my pregnancy with her and her birth.)
(p.s.s. And yes, this is Lucy's serious face. She furrows that brow trying to figure out her world!)

One month

My dearest Lucy-girl,

Today you are one month old. A mere 4 weeks ago today, at 7:54 in the morning, you drew your first breath and started your life's adventure. I can't tell you what a privilege it is to be your Mommy, to be one of the honored to nurture you and love you along your way.

You are my real-life baby doll, and I'm still tickled pink to get to dress you in tiny dresses and hairbows. I call you my "pretty pretty Princess." I also call you "Squeaker" because you often make squeaking noises in your sleep and as you're coming around to wakefulness (and the realization that you're hungry!). Daddy calls you "Lucy Beth" and your Aunt Katie calls you "Lulu." It's funny how fast a person garners nicknames!

Your cord finally fell off yesterday -- I think 29 days might be a record! That thing was bothering me, but it was a powerful reminder of the fact that until very recently, I carried you in my belly. My pregnancy with you was one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, but the reward of having you here makes every one of those tough moments infinitely worthwhile. Anyway, you now have the cutest belly button; it's sort of an innie and an outie, if such a thing is possible. I referred to it as a "noutie" and made your Pa-Pa laugh.

Speaking of Pa-Pa, we are here staying at Nana and Pa-Pa's house for a few weeks, so Mommy can rest and recover from your birth. Daddy is back at home in Tennessee, working hard to take care of us, but he misses us so much and can't wait to get here on weekends.

I can't believe how fast you're already growing and changing. Your face is filling out, as are your little thighs! You've definitely put on some baby fat, though you're still so tiny and light as air (Daddy says you're "light as clouds"). You have such soft, downy hair and I confess, I love to stroke it. After it's washed, it looks almost strawberry-blonde, so we're very eager to see what coloring you will have! You still have electric-blue eyes, a darling button nose, and a rosebud mouth. You are, quite simply, a gorgeous baby.

You are starting to be a little more wakeful, and seem quite curious to take in the world around you, especially those who happen to be holding you. You study faces with such a serious expression, as if you are intent on learning your loved ones. You are more easily soothed (with the help of a couple raspberry-colored soothies that Nana bought you!) and prefer to be swaddled tight and have your bottom patted for the first hour or so after nursing or taking a bottle. You seem to really know me and respond best to my voice and touches, and I admit, I love that you are so attached to me! Your brother Will is still just mildly curious about your presence in our lives. He giggles at your movements and only occasionally displays some jealousy. I think the two of you will be great friends and happy playmates.

I pray for you every day, my little Lucy-girl. I pray that you will be kept safe and that you will grow big and strong. Your Daddy and I love you so very much, and we are so happy that you have joined our family.

Your Mama