Monday Daybook

(Has it really been since June that I did one of these?)

Outside: Gray and drizzly, but in a soft and comforting way. "Will's tree" (right outside our loft windows) is still hanging on to some orange and rust-colored leaves. It's gorgeous.
Thinking: About all the things I need to get accomplished before we head off for Thanksgiving celebrations in Indiana this weekend (staying the whole holiday week). The list is always massive to try to get 4 people packed (especially 2 babes) and leave a clean house. Feeling overwhelmed.
Thankful: For so much. Things in my life are so far from perfect, there are times I just want to weep. I know I harp on it all the time, but the distance from family and friends is so wretched. But really, other than that, my life is swell. Busy and chaotic and crazy at times, but truly swell.
Reading: Tim Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons for Making It Work. Destined to be a classic. I *heart* Tim Gunn.
Hoping: To be able to catch up to this blog. I want to write a little every day. In order to do so, I have to let go of my perfectionist tendencies. I usually pass on writing because I don't have time to make it perfect. But there's no time for perfect in a life with 2 under 2!!!
Hearing: Cars on the wet pavement. Cartoons. Lucy cooing. Will trying to make "vroom-vroom" kinds of noises for his cars. He's really into sound effects -- and anyone who will take the time to make them for him!
Favorite things: Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Lucy giving us the (very) occasional sleep through the night. Clean sheets. Pulling out new outfits from Lucy's wardrobe for her to wear. Will's face when he hears Daddy's key in the lock. Discovering new art/artists, like Brandi Carlile (spelling correct there). You must listen to her song "The Story."
Will: My Puppy is endlessly curious and I just love it. Even though sometimes that means I clean up messes, I love to watch him finger an object for the first time, turning it over and over in his hands, trying to figure it out. He still doesn't verbalize a whole lot, but we know his vocabulary is growing by the number of things he can identify. His latest favorite? Birds.
Lucy: My girl is getting so big, so fast. She is trying to sit up now! I'm considering pulling out the Bumbo seat already. Also, no matter how much I bundle up this child, she constantly has cold hands. I hate it, although her pediatrician says it's fine and normal.

p.s. Thanks to Kate for the idea to have Will and Lucy categories. I'm shamelessly copying!

Three Months

On your changing table...you love to stare at the brick wall behind you!


Right now, you are definitely a mama's girl, and I love it!

In your crib (I know you love your Shabby Chic pretties as much as I do)...you started noticing the camera so any straight-on shots come out very deer-in-the-headlights. Maybe next month you won't mind so much?

Dearest Lucy,

Again, Mama is a few days late writing and posting this. Life as the mommy to you and your big brother sure does keep me hopping busy at all hours, it seems!

I'm glad I'm a little late, though, as I'm able to record that you gave us a full-on giggle-into-belly laugh on Monday evening, November 8th. You've been working so hard on getting the giggles to materialize and it just didn't happen before your official 3-month mark, but you were so close so I say it counts! What made you giggle? Well, I did, actually. You see, I often hold you close to my face and kiss your cheeks softly and I think the feathery sensation is funny to you. I also often tell you in a silly voice that you're a "pwetty pwetty pwincess" and this will generally elicit cooing from you, but combined with the cheek-kissing, laughter finally erupted! You are such joy and sunshine, little girl. Even at 4:00 in the morning, when I and your Daddy are so tempted to be cranky from being awake, your smiles take the edge off and remind us why we are so glad to be parents in the first place, but especially YOUR parents and your brother's parents. We are so blessed, it's unspeakable.

How else have you been changing this month? Well, much to my chagrin, you officially grew out of anything sized 3 months. You are mostly in 3-6 month-sized clothes, and some straight-up 6 months. This astonishes me. I know all moms must feel this way, but you honestly grew so fast it made my head spin. And it's spinning still! I don't feel TOO badly, though, since you have an armoire full of the darlingest clothes in the 6-month range, and I'm having a ball getting them out for their first wear. At your 2-month appointment with Dr. Estes (which you had late, because Mommy still has a hard time keeping pace with the calendar), you weighed 12 pounds, 10 ounces, and were 23 1/2 inches long. You're averaging along the range of 75th percentile in nearly all measurements, which is good -- healthy but not quite as robust as your brother (who still seems to be in the 90s every time he gets measured!).

You still have a roses-and-cream skin tone and complexion, and your eyes are more powder blue than ever. Your reddish hair is headed back toward a more blonde color, so you keep us guessing as to what it's ultimately going to do. Sleepwise, the 8 hours you gave me a few weeks back turned out to be just a fluke. The longest you'll go is about 6 hours, and your favorite time of day to do this is late afternoon into evening. Not that you do this every day! Sometimes I can get you to do this at night, but inevitably we're up at least once with you during the night, if not twice. You have a bath every evening and start out the night in your bouncy seat, which we place in your crib in the nursery you share with your brother. You'll wake us up sometime in the early wee hours, and most of the time we get to you before you also wake up your brother! You'll have a bottle (or sometimes I'll nurse you) and a diaper change, and then you'll either finish the night in your Snuggle Nest in our room or you'll go back to your crib -- it just depends on how "out" you go!

What else? You started playing with toys this month! We bought you a jungle play mat with bright, colorful jungle animals like a toucan and butterflies, a cute elephant, and so forth. The arch on the mat has a light show that totally captures your attention, and you reach to "bat at" the toys hanging below it. You're very interactive for a girl your age, baby-doll! You also "found" your hands and will often stare at them/chew on them for several minutes at a time. It's so cute because you really do seem fascinated that they are attached to your body! Your other favorite thing in the world -- besides your Daddy, and that's a whole other story -- is to watch your brother. Whenever you catch sight of Will, an expression of absolute adoration comes over your face and you smile from ear to ear. Will isn't exactly your biggest fan yet, but I know it's coming.

Lucy-girl, we can't wait to see what you do next! We love you, Sweetheart!

Mama

Bad Mother Confessions

A couple nights ago, I finally had a chance to watch "Sex and the City 2" (thank goodness for DVDs, because let's face it, otherwise I'd never see movies). I loved the movie -- not because of anything specifically great about it, but because it's simply another adventure with the girls -- and I especially loved one scene in particular. In this scene, Miranda wants Charlotte to loosen up a little about what's bothering her, and her efforts turn their time together into an impromptu drinking game of "bad mother confessions." Miranda is thankful that she's a working mom, Charlotte is thankful to get away from her kids for a few days, they're both thankful for live-in help (and wonder aloud how other moms do it on their own, ha!). They both admit these things with tears and guilty laughter, and I admit to laughing along with tears in my own eyes. SO MUCH of motherhood is guilt. Neverending, unrelenting, always-whispering-in-your-ear kind of guilt. So as a bit of catharsis, here's my own list of bad mother confessions (drink along if you want):

• If my kids don't develop perfectly on schedule according to a consensus of childcare books and what the Internet says, then obviously I'm failing as a mother. Even if my pediatrician tells me otherwise. And says the Internet is wrong.
• I don't record every waking moment of their lives. I read some blogs where moms write down everything. And I mean, everything. I get exhausted just reading the blog posts, so I have no idea how these moms do it.
• I don't have my kids (namely, Will) involved in 800 community and kid's events and programs. I don't even have him in 1 program. Because, honestly, I live in a crappy community, I don't know anyone here, and oh yeah, I have a 3-month-old that I'd have to drag along. But these facts don't assuage my guilt.
• My children live far away from their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. And even though we're trying desperately to change this situation, I still feel worse than pond scum when we drive away from Indiana after a visit. Like I'm somehow in control of the situation! But this doesn't make me feel better.
• I feel bad about letting Will watch "too much" TV (what is that, anyway?). I feel bad about feeding Lucy formula. I feel bad if we don't get outside every day. I feel bad if I spend "too much" time with Lucy and "not enough" with Will. If I'm spending time exclusively with one child, then that means one child is getting the shaft (if that child happens to be awake). And this makes me crazy with guilt.
• If Will finds a crumb on the floor and puts it in his mouth, then I have obviously failed to provide a clean environment for my child. If Will stumbles on something or pinches his finger in something, then I have obviously failed to provide a safe environment for my child.

I was semi-joking with Marty and Jessie last night over dinner when I told them that, sometimes, Will looks at me like, "I'm on to you, Mom. You've never done this before, have you?" And I just want to crumple up and shout "YES! It's true, I'm a complete novice! I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I'm just trying to survive here! And keep you guys safe and clean and fed, and I can't manage anything beyond that most days!!!"

Clearly, I need to loosen up myself. I know this. I envy those moms who seem to roll with each skinned knee and tantrum and poopy blowout. I'm not there yet. And to help get me there, I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus from blog-reading and Internet searches on child development and just all the other things that drive me crazy with feelings of inadequacy. I'm even thinking of taking a break from Facebook (too addicted) and email (too neglected anyway). I need to hunker down and really find some new focus, and learn to allow myself to be the mom that I want to be, not the mom that I feel I should be in comparison to others. And give myself a break! I had 2 babies in less than 13 months, so I think I deserve it!!!

I've promised to write so many posts here and I still intend to write those posts. And I've promised myself to get caught up in a zillion other areas. And I will. But it's time to take a deep breath. Life has been a whirlwind and I need to stand still, get my bearings, and forge a clear path ahead, unhampered by outrageous expectations of myself. Wish me luck! (And if you'd like, come pour me a drink and share a confession or two of your own!)

As promised, from the last post...

Two months

Dearest Lucy,

You are now 2 months old, and you have changed quite a bit in the last month! On September 9th, you smiled in recognition of me for the very first time and I was hard-pressed not to melt into a puddle on the floor as a result! Since then, you have been smiling more and more every day, and when you are full and dry and feeling wakeful, that's all you do -- smile, smile, smile! You are just our little sunshine. On the night of September 15th into the morning of the 16th, you slept 8 hours straight -- through the night! I was astonished at this feat. I can only see it as a sign that you love sleep as much as your Mama does, and in that case, thank God! Your brother still fights sleep with all his might, so having at least one of my children be a sleep-lover is a huge relief.

I'm a few days late in writing this, and just this week, you've begun some transitions. You're no longer fitting so well into your 0-3 month clothes, so I started breaking out your 3-6 month duds. They are still very large on you, but not so large you can't wear them. You're growing WAY too fast! We somehow missed a doctor's appointment for you, so I'm not sure of your weight and height, but measuring the old-fashioned way (holding you on the scale here at home, then weighing myself and subtracting the difference), you weighed roughly 12 pounds, a big girl! We also just bought your first box of size 2 Swaddler diapers. I could hardly believe it when I was loading it into the cart. You're also still nursing (and doing much better than you did as a newborn), but you also take formula throughout the day when I need a break. You go from bottle to breast with absolute ease and this is a big help to your Mommy!

I have to say, you're an absolute Mama's girl at this point. Sometimes you cry and nothing seems to fix it for you until I hold you, and then -- not every time, but often enough -- you will just magically be better. You and I take naps together on the couch, all cuddled up, and I find it just as relaxing as you seem to. Daddy got a cute picture of us doing this; I will post it here very soon!

Your eyelashes are really coming in now and your red hair is my pride and joy. You are going to be so beautiful, with your fair complexion and big blue eyes. I also pray often that you will be just as beautiful inside, and give of your beauty to the world! Lucy-girl, we love you so much!

Love,

Mama

This week's menu

This may be my most domestic post yet! I'm considering doing this every week -- planning my menu and going grocery-shopping, then posting it here to see how I do. On tap this week (Monday through Friday menus):

• Parmesan chicken and mashed butternut squash (Barefoot Contessa recipes; this will be my very first experience cooking with butternut squash!)
• Pot roast and wild rice
• Baked ziti with spinach
• Vegetable beef soup
• Asparagus quiche (recipe courtesy of Kate)

Wish me luck!

Absolutely random

• I run my dishwasher at least twice a day, sometimes three. I feel like a raging environmentalist might target me for punishment. But it is the only way I maintain a clean kitchen and a pile of clean bottles for both my kids. And this, my friends, is sanity. (Of course, my hands are nearly raw with chap from rinsing all those dishes and washing after a zillion dirty diapers...I could use a good recommendation for lotion, and don't tell me Eucerin because I despise the stuff.)
• I would give serious money to be able to bottle up a smell; namely, "eau de Lucy's neck." She has that milky-sweet smell that all new babies have, yet it is also somehow uniquely her. I must kiss her neck a thousand times a day.
• Will and I had a great day today. Basically, I let him toddle around, emptying drawers and cabinets and playing with their contents (closely supervised). He thought this was the greatest thing ever. I had a blast just watching him enjoy himself so much. (Why is anything more fun when it's usually off-limits?)
• I browse a lot of blogs. I haven't been able to do this very much in the last few weeks (for some reason or another, *snort*), but since returning to my usual blog reading I've been struck more than ever by the disparity of experiences out there among women my age. The separation in financial blessing is perhaps the most shocking -- there are a few girls who truly have more money than sense -- but also the differences in life circumstances. Some seem to be virtually problem-free whereas others are struggling with situations that are beyond my comprehension in levels of pain and suffering. My takeaways are usually the same -- first, "Becky, don't judge." You just never know what a person may be hiding. I hid a horrible marriage for years and years. Made everything look dandy and kosher on the surface, yet in private, hurt very deeply. Second, "Becky, don't compare." I've found that comparison breeds envy faster than rabbits have babies. And envy opens the door to so many other nasty feelings: self-pity, greed, discontent. Yuck to all. Which leads me to my third takeaway: "Becky, be thankful." God has blessed me beyond my wildest imaginings. I once thought my life was an irredeemable wasteland but God made beauty from those ashes. And it's so important for me to always keep this perspective!
• I made an observation to a dear friend the other day that brought me up short: in commenting on her busy life, I rather absentmindedly observed that besides my husband, kids, and home, I have no commitments. I was shocked to realize this! I've always had my fingers in various inkwells -- coffee dates, yoga classes, Bible studies, family activities, etc. But here in Tennessee where my social network doesn't extend beyond my four walls, neither does my life. Part of me is extremely thankful for this; a host of other commitments would surely drive me to the looney bin (well, faster than I'm headed there now, anyhow). However, a girl needs to do something outside her domestic duties! The only thing is, I've tried branching out socially and all attempts failed. So I'm wondering what I could do? I'm contemplating freelance writing, if anyone would publish something I write. It's worth a look-see, in any case. Anybody have any other ideas?
• I'm obsessed with Pottery Barn. I swear, in the last few catalogs, they have really upped their game. A couple years ago they seemed to be veering toward more American styles, which is absolutely not my taste. Lately, however, the products seem to be more and more European-influenced. Seems like every other item is Provence-this or Tuscany-that! YES, please!!! I told Marty that he's going to have to find a way to support my Pottery Barn habit. Right now I'm confined to mere window-shopping and that ain't gonna cut it!
• I hear Lucy waking up so that's all the randomness from me for the moment. Happy weekend!