Monday, November 15, 2010
Outside: Gray and drizzly, but in a soft and comforting way. "Will's tree" (right outside our loft windows) is still hanging on to some orange and rust-colored leaves. It's gorgeous.
Thinking: About all the things I need to get accomplished before we head off for Thanksgiving celebrations in Indiana this weekend (staying the whole holiday week). The list is always massive to try to get 4 people packed (especially 2 babes) and leave a clean house. Feeling overwhelmed.
Thankful: For so much. Things in my life are so far from perfect, there are times I just want to weep. I know I harp on it all the time, but the distance from family and friends is so wretched. But really, other than that, my life is swell. Busy and chaotic and crazy at times, but truly swell.
Reading: Tim Gunn's Golden Rules: Life's Little Lessons for Making It Work. Destined to be a classic. I *heart* Tim Gunn.
Hoping: To be able to catch up to this blog. I want to write a little every day. In order to do so, I have to let go of my perfectionist tendencies. I usually pass on writing because I don't have time to make it perfect. But there's no time for perfect in a life with 2 under 2!!!
Hearing: Cars on the wet pavement. Cartoons. Lucy cooing. Will trying to make "vroom-vroom" kinds of noises for his cars. He's really into sound effects -- and anyone who will take the time to make them for him!
Favorite things: Dunkin' Donuts coffee. Lucy giving us the (very) occasional sleep through the night. Clean sheets. Pulling out new outfits from Lucy's wardrobe for her to wear. Will's face when he hears Daddy's key in the lock. Discovering new art/artists, like Brandi Carlile (spelling correct there). You must listen to her song "The Story."
Will: My Puppy is endlessly curious and I just love it. Even though sometimes that means I clean up messes, I love to watch him finger an object for the first time, turning it over and over in his hands, trying to figure it out. He still doesn't verbalize a whole lot, but we know his vocabulary is growing by the number of things he can identify. His latest favorite? Birds.
Lucy: My girl is getting so big, so fast. She is trying to sit up now! I'm considering pulling out the Bumbo seat already. Also, no matter how much I bundle up this child, she constantly has cold hands. I hate it, although her pediatrician says it's fine and normal.
p.s. Thanks to Kate for the idea to have Will and Lucy categories. I'm shamelessly copying!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Right now, you are definitely a mama's girl, and I love it!
In your crib (I know you love your Shabby Chic pretties as much as I do)...you started noticing the camera so any straight-on shots come out very deer-in-the-headlights. Maybe next month you won't mind so much?
I'm glad I'm a little late, though, as I'm able to record that you gave us a full-on giggle-into-belly laugh on Monday evening, November 8th. You've been working so hard on getting the giggles to materialize and it just didn't happen before your official 3-month mark, but you were so close so I say it counts! What made you giggle? Well, I did, actually. You see, I often hold you close to my face and kiss your cheeks softly and I think the feathery sensation is funny to you. I also often tell you in a silly voice that you're a "pwetty pwetty pwincess" and this will generally elicit cooing from you, but combined with the cheek-kissing, laughter finally erupted! You are such joy and sunshine, little girl. Even at 4:00 in the morning, when I and your Daddy are so tempted to be cranky from being awake, your smiles take the edge off and remind us why we are so glad to be parents in the first place, but especially YOUR parents and your brother's parents. We are so blessed, it's unspeakable.
Monday, November 1, 2010
- If my kids don't develop perfectly on schedule according to a consensus of childcare books and what the Internet says, then obviously I'm failing as a mother. Even if my pediatrician tells me otherwise. And says the Internet is wrong.
- I don't record every waking moment of their lives. I read some blogs where moms write down everything. And I mean, everything. I get exhausted just reading the blog posts, so I have no idea how these moms do it.
- I don't have my kids (namely, Will) involved in 800 community and kid's events and programs. I don't even have him in 1 program. Because, honestly, I live in a crappy community, I don't know anyone here, and oh yeah, I have a 3-month-old that I'd have to drag along. But these facts don't assuage my guilt.
- My children live far away from their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins. And even though we're trying desperately to change this situation, I still feel worse than pond scum when we drive away from Indiana after a visit. Like I'm somehow in control of the situation! But this doesn't make me feel better.
- I feel bad about letting Will watch "too much" TV (what is that, anyway?). I feel bad about feeding Lucy formula. I feel bad if we don't get outside every day. I feel bad if I spend "too much" time with Lucy and "not enough" with Will. If I'm spending time exclusively with one child, then that means one child is getting the shaft (if that child happens to be awake). And this makes me crazy with guilt.
- If Will finds a crumb on the floor and puts it in his mouth, then I have obviously failed to provide a clean environment for my child. If Will stumbles on something or pinches his finger in something, then I have obviously failed to provide a safe environment for my child.
I was semi-joking with Marty and Jessie last night over dinner when I told them that, sometimes, Will looks at me like, "I'm on to you, Mom. You've never done this before, have you?" And I just want to crumple up and shout "YES! It's true, I'm a complete novice! I don't know what the heck I'm doing! I'm just trying to survive here! And keep you guys safe and clean and fed, and I can't manage anything beyond that most days!!!"
Clearly, I need to loosen up myself. I know this. I envy those moms who seem to roll with each skinned knee and tantrum and poopy blowout. I'm not there yet. And to help get me there, I've decided to take a bit of a hiatus from blog-reading and Internet searches on child development and just all the other things that drive me crazy with feelings of inadequacy. I'm even thinking of taking a break from Facebook (too addicted) and email (too neglected anyway). I need to hunker down and really find some new focus, and learn to allow myself to be the mom that I want to be, not the mom that I feel I should be in comparison to others. And give myself a break! I had 2 babies in less than 13 months, so I think I deserve it!!!
I've promised to write so many posts here and I still intend to write those posts. And I've promised myself to get caught up in a zillion other areas. And I will. But it's time to take a deep breath. Life has been a whirlwind and I need to stand still, get my bearings, and forge a clear path ahead, unhampered by outrageous expectations of myself. Wish me luck! (And if you'd like, come pour me a drink and share a confession or two of your own!)