The Woman Nearing Birth: She's a Strange Creature

At least I am.

• Miss Chatterbox (yours truly) goes silent. I did this very thing with Will, too...in the last couple weeks, I've really withdrawn and become extremely introspective. I can't seem to communicate very much or for very long. Of course, the physical act of talking is quite uncomfortable, as Lucy's head is lodged somewhere in my right rib cage (yes, she's going to be breech to the end, my little drama princess)! I run out of breath almost as soon as I begin a sentence and well, I just know it's a futile effort. I don't want to talk and I don't want to pant for breath, either. So...silence it is. Even email is a huge mental effort for me. Which means that once again, I'm backed up on email messages from at least a month ago, and if I don't get caught up in the next couple weeks, I don't even want to think how tardy I will be in responding. If you are waiting for a message from me, don't give up!
• I'm having some pretty extraordinary dreams, good and bad. My favorite was the one from a few nights ago, when Marty and I traveled to England and we were about to board the Chunnel, bound for Paris. I was wearing a scarf. Marty was wearing a smile. We were hand-in-hand and alone and so focused on each other and having a good time. And I was so giddy to be doing something I've dreamed about forever and forever. I honestly think my brain is so taxed from being a mama and a mama-to-be that it just gave me a break for a night.
• I'm a nesting FREAK. I'm not just running the Swiffer duster over things or vacuuming floors. No, I've completely organized our entire book collection, something that hasn't been done in our nearly 2 years of marriage. It took me a weekend (this book fiend married a fellow book fiend) and now, our bookcases are a wonder to behold. I look at them and am comforted like you wouldn't believe. Of course, Lucy won't know a book from her right pinky finger, but her mama will be able to look up from the couch and smile at her organized books! I keep promising that once the loft is completely organized and settled (this is now a 6-month process and counting) that I'll share pix. I might just get there before the birth and be able to!
• I'm getting a little scared. I've even wondered if Michelle Duggar gets scared before giving birth each successive time? Marty comforts me with the fact that I won't have to labor this time, that I won't be going through 16 hours of hell just to wind up on a freezing-cold OR table anyway. Dr. Pickler assured us that scheduled C-sections are quite different. In her words, "We go in, I take out your baby, and I leave you an hour later in your room, holding your baby. You have coffee and I have coffee and life is good." Golly, I do love that woman. And it's true, she did an excellent job on my C-section last time, but I had this horrific hour or two postpartum in which my nurse and the anesthesiologist could not get my pain managed/under control. I'm allergic to morphine so I have to use alternatives, and they tried a couple before landing on one that worked. Putting it mildly, in that period of time I experienced pain at a level I could never have imagined. I felt the incision, my cut muscles, and every little stitch. I even passed out twice from the pain. Dr. Pickler went through the hospital records and found the painkiller that worked, and she's promised that those in charge of my pain management will be armed with it. But even if that's taken care of (which it seems to be), I'm still a little scared. Of the "X" factor. I had no idea how things would go last time, and even as scheduled and determined and organized as things are this time, I still fear the unknown. I'm sure this is normal...right?
• I wonder if this is true for all second-time moms: do you feel guilty about what you're about to do to your first kid? I was rocking Will to sleep the other night and one of his habits is to hold a couple of my fingers while he drifts off. I looked down at him and just marveled at how much he's grown, but also saw how very much he is still my little baby, with a pacifier in his mouth and curled up in his favorite blankie. I don't want him to think that by bringing Lucy home, that he's not my baby anymore!!!
• Weirdest of all, I'm still "craving" various smells (NEVER had this with Will). I would give real money to be able to smell "musty basement." The closest I get is the first few seconds of running the AC in Marty's car -- there's a bit of a musty odor that comes out and I inhale it furiously to feed my craving. I'm also very needy of the smell of freshly upturned dirt. And wouldn't you know it, I live in a second-story loft apartment. Perhaps we should run to Lowe's and open a bag of topsoil so I can stick my face in it. Talk about a strange creature!

On one final note, perhaps the funniest thing that's happened leading up to Lucy's birth is the fact that, on the way home from Indiana a couple weekends ago, we edited Lucy's name. We are Exhibit A of why couples should choose a name midway through the pregnancy and use it often so as to make sure it really fits your family and your tastes. After a brief discussion, we both admitted that we didn't really want the "-Anne" on Lucy's first name. We're not even sure why we initially wanted it that way -- perhaps just overzealous getting to name our first daughter? In any case, our baby girl's name is now and will officially be, the sweet and simple "Lucy Elizabeth." We love it. We hope she does, too.