Four months

Dearest Lucy,

I'm exactly 2 weeks late getting this written. Scandalously late, but what's been keeping me from getting your letter written? Why, keeping up with you and your brother, of course! We've been so busy with our everyday things but also with Christmas-ing. We put up our tree and while Will is absolutely fascinated by the lights and ornaments, you're mostly just ambivalent about it. That's okay -- Will was the very same way his first Christmas! I think you're just too young to really notice that it's anything all that different.

We've also been shopping a few times and every time we're out, I breathe a little prayer of gratitude that you and Will are just so good in stores. Neither of you fuss at all, unless we've simply been out way too long. I think you are both "people-persons" -- you both love to watch activity go on around you. From your vantage point in the stroller, you basically watch Mama the whole time we're strolling about, and we smile and giggle at each other and I tell you what we're doing and what we're going to do next. You like to keep up with the plan. ;)

You've been growing and changing so much. It never fails to astonish me how quickly a newborn baby begins to turn into a little person with personality traits and abilities and preferences. You began trying to sit up at the beginning of this month and just this last week, we put you in the Bumbo seat and you sat there like you'd always been doing it. You play with your hanging toys with such fervor -- we actually call you "Miss Intensity" because you are so determined and well, so intense! Once you get ahold of something, we have to pry it out of your fingers to get it back. This can make diapering and changing your clothes something of a challenge, because you like to grab the fabric of your clothes and the tabs on the diapers! Speaking of which, you're still in a size 2 diaper but you're starting to get too big for some of your 6-month clothes. Just yesterday I pulled out a 6-9 month outfit and it fit you well. You're growing too fast for Mommy to enjoy all your pretty clothes for a reasonable amount of time before I have to put them away!

I think you're actually in a growth spurt right now... You're usually such a good sleeper at night, only getting up once, and then, going right back to sleep once you've had a bottle. You're typically calm and even happy, but lately you've been fussy and upset and you attack your bottle like you're starving, crying quite loudly if the nipple falls away from your mouth. You seem afraid that we're not going to feed you enough! Poor baby. Daddy and I decided it was time to try a "ricey bottle" on you, so we added some rice cereal to your formula and you seemed to really like it. The cereal sits heavier on your tummy and you've been sleeping better since we started this. You're just a growing girl with a good appetite!

You still love to nap with Mama. We will often share a pillow and I will sleep with a hand on or near your pacifier to keep it positioned in your mouth. More than once I've heard you sigh in perfect contentment to be cuddled up with me (you also hang onto my hand with both of yours), and it just melts me into a puddle that you love being with me so much! Sometimes this can be a bit of a hindrance, though... we visited Daddy at his office yesterday and some of Daddy's coworkers wanted to hold you. Well, when I handed you off and you saw that I was moving away, you screwed up your little face into this miserable grimace and let out a tearful holler! Of course I took you right back and had to reassure the people wanting to hold you that it wasn't them, it's just that you and I are really close and you like to be near me!

Let's see... you also had your first Thanksgiving, which you mostly slept through, although your great-Grandpa and great-Grandma both got to hold you, which they were so pleased to do. Also, your Aunt Sarah rocked you to sleep and it looked like you both very much enjoyed that bonding experience! You're about to have your first Christmas and Mama and Daddy already have all your presents bought and hiding in Mama's closet. I can't wait for you to open them, and further, I can't wait until you're big enough to play with them (with me!). We're going to have so much fun. But you know, every time I think this, I always tell myself, "Wait, slow down, this is going too fast as it is." I look forward to experiencing lots of life's good moments with you, Lucy, but I also want you to enjoy each minute along the way, and I certainly don't want to hurry you along. In fact, if you could slow down just a teeny bit on this growing thing, that would make Mama super happy. :)

I love you, baby girl, and I'm so proud of you!
Mama

p.s. Your eyes are still a stunning powder blue, but that hair of yours... we honestly don't know if it's blonde, red, brown, or a mixture of all three. I think you're going to keep us guessing as to its ultimate color!

Absolutely random

• I run my dishwasher at least twice a day, sometimes three. I feel like a raging environmentalist might target me for punishment. But it is the only way I maintain a clean kitchen and a pile of clean bottles for both my kids. And this, my friends, is sanity. (Of course, my hands are nearly raw with chap from rinsing all those dishes and washing after a zillion dirty diapers...I could use a good recommendation for lotion, and don't tell me Eucerin because I despise the stuff.)
• I would give serious money to be able to bottle up a smell; namely, "eau de Lucy's neck." She has that milky-sweet smell that all new babies have, yet it is also somehow uniquely her. I must kiss her neck a thousand times a day.
• Will and I had a great day today. Basically, I let him toddle around, emptying drawers and cabinets and playing with their contents (closely supervised). He thought this was the greatest thing ever. I had a blast just watching him enjoy himself so much. (Why is anything more fun when it's usually off-limits?)
• I browse a lot of blogs. I haven't been able to do this very much in the last few weeks (for some reason or another, *snort*), but since returning to my usual blog reading I've been struck more than ever by the disparity of experiences out there among women my age. The separation in financial blessing is perhaps the most shocking -- there are a few girls who truly have more money than sense -- but also the differences in life circumstances. Some seem to be virtually problem-free whereas others are struggling with situations that are beyond my comprehension in levels of pain and suffering. My takeaways are usually the same -- first, "Becky, don't judge." You just never know what a person may be hiding. I hid a horrible marriage for years and years. Made everything look dandy and kosher on the surface, yet in private, hurt very deeply. Second, "Becky, don't compare." I've found that comparison breeds envy faster than rabbits have babies. And envy opens the door to so many other nasty feelings: self-pity, greed, discontent. Yuck to all. Which leads me to my third takeaway: "Becky, be thankful." God has blessed me beyond my wildest imaginings. I once thought my life was an irredeemable wasteland but God made beauty from those ashes. And it's so important for me to always keep this perspective!
• I made an observation to a dear friend the other day that brought me up short: in commenting on her busy life, I rather absentmindedly observed that besides my husband, kids, and home, I have no commitments. I was shocked to realize this! I've always had my fingers in various inkwells -- coffee dates, yoga classes, Bible studies, family activities, etc. But here in Tennessee where my social network doesn't extend beyond my four walls, neither does my life. Part of me is extremely thankful for this; a host of other commitments would surely drive me to the looney bin (well, faster than I'm headed there now, anyhow). However, a girl needs to do something outside her domestic duties! The only thing is, I've tried branching out socially and all attempts failed. So I'm wondering what I could do? I'm contemplating freelance writing, if anyone would publish something I write. It's worth a look-see, in any case. Anybody have any other ideas?
• I'm obsessed with Pottery Barn. I swear, in the last few catalogs, they have really upped their game. A couple years ago they seemed to be veering toward more American styles, which is absolutely not my taste. Lately, however, the products seem to be more and more European-influenced. Seems like every other item is Provence-this or Tuscany-that! YES, please!!! I told Marty that he's going to have to find a way to support my Pottery Barn habit. Right now I'm confined to mere window-shopping and that ain't gonna cut it!
• I hear Lucy waking up so that's all the randomness from me for the moment. Happy weekend!

Birth pictures

My beautiful girl

Could they have put a rattier hat on her???

And so we meet!

I'm telling her how much she is loved...

"Wait, now who is this?"

The Ghost of Becky Past

There she was. Standing in the vestibule with us on the second floor outside the OB/GYN's office, waiting for the elevator. I always talk to strangers given the opportunity (because really? The only other option is to mutually stare at the fake potted tree.), and she was no exception. Especially when I noticed perhaps the cutest Coach bag I'd ever seen. I complimented her on it with some enthusiasm, and she responded in kind. "I know, right? It's one of my favorites. I have a collection of about 10 or 12, but this one always seems to work." Ah, my kind of girl. Not just chatty, but also willing to share her obsession with hand bags with a complete stranger. As in, not shy. As in, just like me. The elevator arrived and we stepped on, whereupon she got a really good look at Will in his stroller and started exclaiming over him, "What a doll-baby!" She engaged Marty in conversation for a few seconds while I subtly glanced her over. Dark hair in a perfect and trendy angled bob. Great makeup -- probably M.A.C. if I had to guess. Adorable A-line, knee-length sundress in black and bold colors; again, totally something I would wear because we brunettes tend to look pale and ridiculous in pastels. Finally, her shoes were casual and breezy flip-flop flats but sported whimsically large black flowers. Mentally, I gave her an A+ and only then did I think, I wonder what I'm wearing?

I almost groaned aloud. I remembered that I'd barely jumped out of the shower by the time we had to hit the road to make it to the appointment without being egregiously late. I'd given my face a token once-over with a makeup brush, and I knew I'd devoted at least 30 seconds to mascara and eyeliner, so not a total loss there. But then, those precious seconds seriously cut into my usual time with the blowdryer, so I'd had to pull my hair back into an elastic band and tried to tame my bangs with a headband. I knew without looking that I was sporting some major frizz up-top. Ugh. Then I looked down...oh heavens. Beat-up silver flip-flops purchased from Target about 3 years ago? Of course. My go-to shoes that stay by the front door, thus the reason for wearing them now. Black maternity shorts that have been worn and washed so many times, they're kind of a charcoal gray now. A raspberry t-shirt that the maternity clothiers probably intended as a pajama top, but which I was wearing now as street clothes. I thought, please don't let her look too hard. Especially at the hair needing a cut, color, and highlight, or the nails in desperate need of a mani/pedi. And oh my gosh, did I at least shave my legs?

I had all these thoughts in the space of an elevator ride. At the main floor, we all disembarked and cute Coach bag girl was teasing Marty about getting me pregnant twice in a row, and how he owed me a pile of Coach bags in gratitude. We all laughed, then she looked at me and said, "In all seriousness, are you a member of Coach online? Every once in awhile you get a 20% off coupon, plus you can use it at the outlet mall in Sevierville." I said, no I wasn't, but golly, thanks for the tip! She said "No problem, and good luck!" and walked away with a little spring in her step toward her white SUV. That's when I was really struck. Hey, I have a white SUV! I have a Coach bag and cute shoes -- somewhere! Hey, I USED TO BE THAT GIRL!

I got into the car and told Marty, "There goes the Ghost of Becky Past." I told him how, during the height of my successful career days when I worked in downtown Indy, I used to walk to Nordstrom on my lunch hour and shop clearance racks for actually affordable designer labels. How I used to have a whole collection of shoes: sexy boots for winter and oh-my-stars, the tiny little sandals and espadrilles I had for spring and summer. Three years, about 5 moves, and 2 straight years of pregnancy have forced me to shove said shoes in some storage corner or another. Along with my clothes -- half of my closet is devoted to dresses in dry cleaner's bags. My cute dresses, the dresses I may never fit into again -- that is, if they're even in style anymore by the time I'm brave enough to rip open the bags!

But while I thought about it, it wasn't just the wardrobe that I saw -- and recognized -- on cute Coach bag girl, it was the lifestyle. I knew without looking that girlfriend had her cell phone handy, ready to call a friend on her way home, or to Target, or to Starbucks, where she'd pick up a latte in the drive-thru and chat about her day. She might pick up her dayplanner and see what she had going on tomorrow, or the weekend, and try to fit in an eyebrow wax and a lunch date on Saturday. She might even try to get away for the weekend to visit her best friend, so they could go shopping and watch movies and lay around for hours perusing magazines and just talking. I know these things. I know, because I USED TO BE THAT GIRL.

As we drove home, I wondered why I was being so nostalgic. I continued to wonder over the next few days and slowly I've come to a couple of conclusions. First of all, and most obviously, the lifestyle that I was remembering was EASY. And it was FUN. But then, I remembered, it was also very LONELY. I could talk for hours here about the bad marriage, but suffice it to say that home was the loneliest place of all, so I did what I could to keep myself busy elsewhere. I secretly regretted not knowing true love. I not-so-secretly ached for a baby to hold and love and raise. There was so much missing from that life, and I have to be fair about the memories and remember ALL of it.

Second, the lifestyle that I'm living now is HARD. Okay, it is hard for ME. There's just no two ways about it. We didn't plan on having two babies so close in age, but it happened and here we are. (Lucy, when you read this in about 20 years, you must know that I'm ecstatic to have you and that "accidents" don't happen.) Gone are the dresses; I spend my days in maternity pajamas, the only garb I find not completely uncomfortable. Gone are the lattes; I barely swallow half a cup of hot coffee in the morning. The phone doesn't ring because I live far away from every single friend I have. I don't have free time to watch movies; I watch The Backyardigans with my little boy and wake up with its obnoxious tune in my head. I heave and heft my 25-pound child on my hip while carrying his 7-pound sister inside, and my limbs and muscles just ache at the end of the day. And this is all with Lucy still unborn! I know life is only going to get more difficult and challenging before it begins to ease up, and that alone is a hefty burden to bear mentally. I know I will need fortitude and strength -- and HOPE -- in the days ahead.

Which brings me to conclusion #3. I saw the Ghost of Becky Future. It occurred to me that it's possible, and conceivable, and achievable, for me to somehow merge the memory of the lifestyle that was and the reality of now. I know that once I'm no longer pregnant (what's that like?), Becky will get her groove back! And when that happens, well, this is how it's gonna go. I'll pile into my white SUV. After buckling in both my kids into their carseats, of course. We'll hit the Starbucks drive-thru for a latte. I may have Bible songs blasting from the stereo instead of P!NK, but we'll be there. We'll drive to the mall. I'll unload my kids and half a ton of stroller gear and paraphernalia, but we'll sail into Von Maur, dressed in nothing resembling pajamas. We'll visit clearance racks to search for affordable designer labels. And by golly, I'll be pushing my kids around and someone will stop me at the elevator to exclaim, "That's just the cutest Coach bag I've ever seen!"

And I'll smile and say thank-you and share about online coupons, and be grateful for the inspiration that cute Coach bag girl/Ghost of Becky Past gave me, once upon a time, in an elevator.

Operating instructions for Will

Make him happy?

• Sips of water from Daddy's glass
• Dora, Diego, Sid, or George
• A warm bottle around 7 a.m.
• Letting him "help" fold laundry
• A bath with his new boat and Little People person that Daddy named "Captain Tenille"
• A pacifier in the middle of the night
• Stuffed monkey
• His 4th of July pinwheel
• Saved YouTube cartoons on Daddy's iPhone
• Being greeted/picked up from his crib in the mornings
• A drawer full of bibs and washcloths (for removing and throwing everywhere)
• Music
• Bananas
• A room full of cousins
• Any toy with wheels
• Naming objects that he points at
• Remotes
• Daddy's baseball caps
• Blankets with satin edging

Make him unhappy?

• Diaper and clothing changes (no patience for them)
• Gates (when he's bored of the toys inside)
• Orajel (but I think he hates the throbbing gums more)
• His highchair when playtime is interrupted by meal time
• Daddy leaving
• Road trips/being in his car seat after an hour or so
• Having his hair brushed
• Being told "no"
• Loud noises
• Being left alone in a room (when he's aware of it)
• Being given table foods (though we are making progress with the help of muffins and crackers!)

Just one year

Friday Daybook

Outside: Have barely noticed. I'm running around like a headless chicken preparing to go to Indy tonight -- by the way, Indy friends, Will and I will be staying in town for the whole week! Call my cell if you want to get together!
Thinking: Of all things, about this new (furniture) love of my life:


I love it in red but I think I'll get it in black (always elegant, and as I like to say, "black is the denim of the furniture world"). I'm planning a whole dining room around this one piece, because I'm so in love with it! I've always wanted a big china cabinet, a big trestle table a la French countryside, and several Parsons chairs with a collection of slipcovers that I can change out with my moods. I've never liked matchy-matchy dining rooms and when I saw this cabinet in Pottery Barn, I knew it would be my dining room "anchor." However, it costs an arm, a leg, and my first child. Seeing as I can't spare these, I'm going to stalk it on the Internet for a drop in price and simultaneously save our slush-money pennies. Have I mentioned that I LOVE this cabinet???
Thankful: That today is my last day at work. I'm so relieved to be done. And so ready to focus on my husband, babies, and home.
From the kitchen: Nothing from my kitchen! I'm running the last dishes in the dishwasher and taking out the trash in preparation to be away. Coming from my Mama's kitchen, though, is another story...I'm about to go get culinar-ily (is that a word?) spoiled.
Creating: I'm taking Puppy's baby book and all my chicken-scratch notes and emails to myself about his milestones and funny anecdotes. I'm going to get his baby book caught up before I have to start a new one in August!
Reading: The Scent of Rain and Lightning by Nancy Pickard:


I've absolutely loved this book and will be reading more by this author.
Hoping: For an easy, safe trip to Indy. Once we're there, my mom is going to take Will at night when he wakes up, at least for a couple nights so we can catch up on sleep. Not to dive into a whine-fest, but let's just say that I was in tears at 3:00 this morning, after having been dealing for a couple hours with the child who will not sleep. Marty and I really are at our wits' end. We have tried EVERYthing suggested to us and nothing is working. If anyone can offer any advice, we would love to try something else. (Please note: we can't do the cry-it-out method. Our kid can vomit at will and will do so if he's left in his crib to cry it out [which we hate anyway]. So, that's not gonna work.)
Hearing: My dryer buzzing. Second-to-last load is ready to fold. Gotta go!
A favorite thing: A perpetual welcome at my parents' house, to stay as long as I like. Love that. Half-Price Books, which I'm going to visit while home. The most enormous (TJMaxx) Home Goods store I've ever seen, on the north side of Indy, which I'm also going to "visit" while I'm home (by "visit," of course, I mean "shop every corner searching for brilliant little fun things for my home!"). A chance to see friends who I miss like crazy!

Will's thoughts (or Mommy's attempt at guessing them)

Busted! But is there anything better than pulling things out of drawers?

Aww, look at that. Mommy pulled out the camera again. I'll humor her and give her a nice little pose.

Coming in for a closer look...Mommy, I don't think you're doing that right.

I wonder what kind of mischief I can get into now...

Oh for heaven's sake, Mommy, STILL with the camera? (See, Nana and Pa-Pa, the "schnooty face" is alive and well.)

Mommy, do you mind? I'm trying to climb a lamp here.

And by the way, how could you ever enforce a bedtime on me?

Fine. I'll give you one more smile, and I'll even throw in a bonus of a shot of my teeth. Silly Mommy with her camera!

Greetings from the Land of the Itchies

While I'm temporarily un-itchy and unmedicated (there's a brief window like this every day), I thought I'd quickly post about a couple of things that I need help with.

• My cousin is graduating from high school on Friday. We can't make it to her open house, but I want to send her a gift. What do you give 18-year-old girls these days??? I've already been on anthropologie.com looking around, but I've had to dismiss all items there as too quirky and/or too personal. I really don't want to do a gift card, because I can remember burning through those when I graduated and couldn't tell you now who gave gift cards. I DO remember, however, the gifts. A big basket of Bath and Body Works soaps and lotions for going away to school, from an old friend of my parents' (actually the lady who set them up on a blind date!). Oh the things you remember. In any case, I want to give a gift that Leeann will use, love, and of course, remember that I gave her. :) HELP?
• When do you introduce a pillow into your child's sleeping routine? I've been using a makeshift pillow (of folded sheets) under Will's crib sheet for aiding him through nights of yucky congestion, but now I'm wondering if I can just get him a really shallow pillow? When do you do this?
• I need any/all advice for introducing table food to a child who's a champion gagger. Anything with any texture beyond the most pureed of pureed foods seems to gag Will and this is frustrating for us, because I'd love to get him beyond baby food by the time Lucy comes, so we can cut out that expense and simply feed him what we're eating for dinner, at least.

I will probably hear from the doctor tomorrow concerning the blood/liver bile test results, so until then I'm just trying to keep busy and not worry. That is, when I'm not passed out from the effects of prescription-strength antihistamine or so itchy that I can't sit still or think straight!

Hallelujah!

• My first bit of news for the day is that, according to the doctor we saw this morning, Lucy has a "lovely" aortic arch! Both the doctor and the CNP found it, saw it, took a picture of it, showed it to us, etc. Lots of checking and double-checking and reassuring of tense parents...we were so pleased with the thoroughness and vigilance of this office team. SO VERY different from our last ultrasound experience (vague and disturbing to say the least!). Lucy was again a bit of a little stinker in that -- of course -- she was laying in the vertex position with her head wedged into a corner (if there is such a thing) of my uterus, with her hands and feet all squished up by her head. She loves to be cozy, this little girl! Both folks who took a turn at scanning her had to shake my belly a bit to get her to move positions, and she did NOT like that one bit. She showed her displeasure by sticking out her tongue and even making a little fist! The doctor thought that was hilarious and I had to laugh too because she is definitely high-maintenance, this one. In addition to being reassured about her cardiac health, we also learned that Lucy is currently 2 pounds, 7 ounces and is measuring only 4 days behind her due date, which is perfectly normal (there's always a slight variable on that, apparently). She was also checked for all the other developmental markers and she passed with flying colors! We're just so happy. And so very, very, very relieved. Thank you, God, for a healthy baby girl!
• And the second bit of news is almost as joyful to report: Will slept through the night last night!!! At 6:00 this morning, when I heard his voice on the monitor and realized he hadn't made a peep since 9:30 last night when we put him to bed, I almost did a set of cartwheels. I can't even begin to express the triumph of this occasion for us. I have half a notion to go find Dr. Maria at our pediatrician's office and give her a big fat kiss on the cheek for diagnosing seasonal allergies in Will and prescribing the children's Zyrtec and cool-mist humidifier. I don't know if it's one or the other or both, but something has changed and it is working, and I couldn't be more thankful.

Ahhh, good news all around today! Thanks to everyone who prayed with us for a good report on Lucy's heart and overall health. We are so grateful to you all and want you to know that! (And a HUGE thanks to my sister Katie for pitching in this week and letting me and Marty get some sleep. We feel like human beings again!)

Adding it up

• First doctor's visit on Saturday, co-pay: $25
• Antibiotic for baby's ear infection: $5
• Generic-brand children's Tylenol: $7
• Second doctor's visit today, co-pay: $25
• Children's Zyrtec: $8
• Probiotic powder (to ease effects of antibiotic on baby's tummy): $23
• Cool-mist humidifier to help with congestion from newly diagnosed baby allergy symptoms: $40
• Starbucks decaf 2-pump toffee nut latte with whip so Mommy can cope: $4.22
• Surprise visit from sister Katie who is coming to help with Puppy so Marty and I can get a bit of sleep? PRICELESS.

musings on Mother's Day

As you read the following list, please know that before my mommyhood days, I was a champion sleeper, shopper, and girlie-girl extraordinaire. I never left the house without sporting a great outfit, complete with accessories, and never saw another person without the perfect makeup, down to matching lipstick. Slush money meant trips to Macy's or TJ's, always a trip to the Starbucks drive-thru, and lots of trips to restaurants to hang with girlfriends. Free time meant shopping, reading, watching movies, and oh yes, sleeping. In my current mommyhood days, though...

• I have watched the sun come up for the last two mornings in a row, rocking my son who is ill and irritated and fussy. And that's after being up at midnight and 3 a.m., too.
• The minute I get settled in bed with my enormous pregnant belly balanced just-so on a pillow and my back in the least-painful position, my daughter starts kicking me like she's practicing some new self-defense techniques and sleep eludes me.
• My living room is never clean. There are always toys on the floor where Will drags them to and fro in his crawling adventures. If only I could bend myself down to pick them up without sending my lower back into spasms!
• I have stepped on many a toy in the middle of the night and had to squelch the urge to utter an "ouch!" because I'm carrying a (finally) sleeping baby back to his crib.
• I have had the thought many times in the past few days to be thankful that my kid is not a projectile vomiter. When he spews, at least he does so semi-neatly, right in front of him or even on the bib when we're really lucky.
• Laundry time for me means going through baby clothes with my enormous orange can of Shout, spraying various pureed food stains, spit-up and puke, and my favorites, the accidents that sometimes happen during diaper changes.
• I sometimes forget to eat, I practically live in my pajamas, and my personal bathing routine is completely random, but my son always eats on schedule, is always as clean as I can keep him, and he wears the cutest clothes I can find for him.
• When I go to TJ Maxx or Target, I no longer immediately head for my-size clothes. I go straight to the 18-months' boy clothes or the 0-9 months' girl clothes.
• I make coffee in the mornings but sometimes don't get to it until it's gone cold. I drink it anyway.
• I sit down to watch a show maybe once or twice a week. But I can sing you the themes to "Dinosaur Train," "WonderPets," and "Go, Diego, Go."
• I get so excited thinking about planning Will's first birthday party and all the birthday parties for our kids in the future. I spent my last birthday in my bed, in the miserable first trimester of pregnancy, trying to keep down a popsicle.
• Marty and I spent the first 9 months of our relationship long-distance dating, and all we did was talk, talk, talk on the phone. Now our conversations often consist of our son's diaper activities and who gave the last dose of Tylenol and when. Then exhausted silence follows. When we were alone last weekend, we couldn't shut up, we were so geeked to be able to TALK!
• I used to take time off from work to go on vacations. Now I take PTO in hourly increments here and there, to cover well-baby appointments, sick-baby appointments, prenatal appointments, ultrasound appointments, etc.
• When planning our grocery budget and list, I no longer plan for a couple nice filets or a bunch of tulips (although I must confess, those occasionally come home with me). Instead I add up how many dollars we need for diapers, wipes, formula, boxes of cereal, tubs of baby food, and so on. And it's a LOT of dollars!

I could go on, listing a million more examples of how my life has radically changed since becoming a mother. Some of the changes are great fun (raspberry-type kisses on my cheek, my son's delighted face to see me in the mornings), and of course, some are not so fun (the 5-ish hours of sleep I average per night).

But today is the first time in my life I get to celebrate being a mother on Mother's Day. There is nothing like it in the world, and no amount of sleep or great clothes or free time could ever compare to it. I wouldn't go back to my former life for anything.

Thank you, Father, for my babies. May I always be grateful, even in the hardest moments of mommyhood!

Somewhere in my youth or childhood...

I must have done something good.

(And now you'll hate me for putting that tune in your head.)

I must have, because my parents are coming down tomorrow for a long weekend visit, and they're sending me and Marty off to go have time to ourselves for a couple days!!! It took us all of 5 minutes to decide to go to Asheville and spend some quality time here:

The Biltmore Estate is one of our favorite places in the world, not only because the house is so magnificent, but also because they're constantly offering new exhibits and changing up displays, especially seasonally (and spring is just glorious there). In addition, Deer Park restaurant is on the Estate grounds and they have a famous Sunday morning brunch, which we've enjoyed many times, including on the first day of our honeymoon. The mountains, the flowers, the ambience, the food, the beauty of it all!

Marty and I also have several favorite haunts in Asheville that we're going to visit, too. Not that we'll be constantly on the go -- oh heavens, no. Because neither of us has had an uninterrupted night's sleep since...???...we're going to spend quality time snoozing, too. Just the thought of not having to drag myself out of bed in the middle of the night is enough to make me weep in joy!

Puppy just loves his Nana and Pa-Pa and I'm sure they'll have a marvelous time (and I'm equally sure my mom will get Will to sleep through the night for her -- mark my words -- she has a way with these things!). I will probably obsess for a few minutes here and there over how Puppy is doing, but I think I'm just tired enough and need this enough to be okay with being absent from him for 48 hours or so.

So thank you, Mom and Dad, for offering to spend the weekend with Will so we can get away! I must have been a good kid, because "nothing comes from nothing, nothing ever could..."

Asheville and SLEEP, here we come! Yee-haw!

Lots more random

Because I'm so sleep-deprived (see random bullet #1 below), I've apparently been stripped of all ability to write in coherent posts or even paragraphs for that matter. So random is what you get.

• BAD. My child refuses to sleep through the night. And is now getting up every 2-4 hours, just like he's a newborn again. It is killing me and Marty, even though we take turns. We are trying everything we can think of and we are taking suggestions, too. Basically, Will is in the throes of teething (his 2 bottom teeth are almost completely "there" now and he will move his jaw like he's chewing gum at many points during the day, like there's more gum activity going on and it's driving him batty) and I think it's just messing up his sleep cycles and restfulness altogether. New technique to try for tonight: cereal right before bedtime. Puppy refuses to take a bottle at bedtime but I haven't really ever seen him turn down actual food. Also, per my mom's suggestion, a jar of meat (ICK) at dinner. Has anyone else gone through this? Do you have any help to offer two very exhausted parents?
• GOOD. My amazing husband has insisted that we go ahead and buy the desk I've lusted after for over a year from Pottery Barn. Marty says I've "had to hodge-podge it long enough" and I certainly deserve a "real" desk after all the months of pregnancy I've gone through. He's even hinted at more presents, per the children contribution I have made (hmm...maybe I will have more kids after this!). So we ordered her last night. Here she is:
  I didn't get the hutch/organizer thingey on top, nor the chair. I'm opting instead for a slipcovered Parsons chair from Ballard Designs. Oh yeah, I get to order that, too!
• INSANELY COOL. My friend Mary won second place for her "Paranormal Romance" novel in the Chicago-North Romance Writers of America 12th Annual Fire and Ice Contest. I am simultaneously ridiculously proud and ridiculously jealous. Mary hopes to get her novel published and I'm certain that this award will open plenty of doors for her; fingers crossed, my friend!!! You rock my world (and give me hope that, like you, I can be a mom of 2 kiddos AND be a writer)!!!
• GETTING THERE. Once upon a time (in December), this girl and her Hubby and Baby Boy moved from a 3-story townhouse to a loft apartment (downsizing by 1 bedroom and 1.5 baths, and also losing a very large storage room). A lot of things went to a storage unit, but a lot of things (too many things) came to the loft. Just before Moving Day, this girl and her Hubby discovered that Baby Girl was on her way. Ultimately, this girl helped move in some boxes, cleaned a countertop or two, then promptly collapsed into bed with "The Illness" that claimed the next 2 months of her life. During this time, Hubby took over primary care of Baby Boy while this girl attempted to nourish herself and Baby Girl (rather unsuccessfully at many times). Nothing got accomplished and many things went undone. We were in survival mode. Around the beginning of March, this girl began to emerge from "The Illness," looked around at the mess and the unpacked boxes, and almost went BACK to bed in defeat. Instead, this girl somehow managed to find the courage to promise to herself to do at least a little bit each day until it got done and the loft was not only liveable, but decorated and clean and comfortable and cozy -- and ready for its 4th occupant come August! What has transpired in the 2 months since that time has been countless hours of very hard work: lots of purging, lots of organizing, lots re-thinking and re-organizing. And I am proud to say that we are almost there. Almost. I wanted to take a break from the loft last weekend but our plans fell through, so I ended up doing even more, and I'm now within just a few hours of finishing. And because I want to be accountable to a deadline of some kind, I am hereby promising to post pictures when all is complete. My desk needs to be delivered, we need to make a couple more storage unit and Goodwill runs, and a big, final clean needs to happen before then, but I promise, I shall post pictures of the finished product, hopefully in the next month or two. Wait for it.
• UPDATE. We will be having our follow-up to the follow-up ultrasound on May 13th. Please say a prayer with us that Lucy's heart is perfectly visible to this doctor. We would very much appreciate it.
• RANT. Why did baby clothing manufacturers decide that if a baby is over 20 pounds, he is no longer entitled to go to bed in sleepers anymore? (Yeah, I'm talking to you, Carter's.) Personally, I think as long as a baby is still in diapers, a onesie-type shirt with pants or what-have-you is more appropriate than 2 pieces, whether it be play clothes or sleeping clothes. We have a few 2-piece pajama sets but I end up using a plain white onesie with the pajama pants because otherwise, Will ends up sleeping with his tee shirt rumpled up under his arms! So I've been on the hunt for larger-sized (12, 18, 24-month) sleepers and have only found moderately expensive and very expensive brands. The former is Hanna Andersson, and we just ordered 2 sleepers at $25 each from there. I choked on the price a bit, but not nearly as much as when I bought sleepers in the latter brand category (very expensive). That would be you, Kissy Kissy. The children's boutique just a few doors down from us sells this line, and I coughed up the money for a couple of these sleepers (starting at $33 apiece!), but then immediately began looking for alternatives. And I'm still not finding anything cheaper than Hanna Andersson. Does anybody know of any other brands that offer sleepers in larger sizes?
• OTHER. You know, I had other random items floating around in my head but I'm just going to stop here because my brain hurts from the sleeplessness. Please leave a comment if you have any helpful hints to offer on any of the above!

Random

• I just sprayed a glob of whipped cream on top of my coffee. Why? Because I can.
• It's undeniable. My kid loves Barney. I used to HATE Barney during my babysitting years, when the girls I took care of would request their Barney videos over and over again. Now my kid loves him. I mean, LOVES him. Especially when he sings. I guess Barney is going to follow me through life, so I'd better just get used to him?
• I can't stand the folks who live above us (we live in a 3-story building of loft apartments and retail spaces converted from an old furniture warehouse). That sounds very unkind, but seriously, they vacuum their hardwood floors. It makes a horrific sound (not to mention I can just feel the damage they are doing to the original wood floors!). In addition, they like to run up and down their hallways at all manner of hours, many times after midnight. HELLO, I have a sleeping baby down here! Go to bed, people!
• I need some good book recommendations. I want a book that will blow my socks off! I've read far too many mediocre books of late. Can anyone help me with this?
• I just KNEW the Project Runway judges would pick Seth Aaron to win. This happens to me every time...one of my favorites will inevitably make it to Bryant Park/Fashion Week (in this case, Emilio) but my favorite NEVER wins. It's starting to get old and the judges are starting to be far too predictable; they will always go with the most outrageous collection. Emilio's was by far the most commercial, and I understand his viewpoint of designing his collection to actually sell the clothes, not just show his artistry. But if we're talking artistry, he should have won based on this gown alone! The way it moved with the model -- just breathtaking! At least I have hope for Emilio's career -- another favorite of mine, Carol Hannah from last season, just launched her line of wedding dresses, and they are gorgeous. I hope she makes a mint!
• Is there anything better than sitting down for a snack with a bag of pretzel rods and a jar of Nutella? (Can you tell I'm pregnant?)
• Is everyone else just as tired of seeing Kate Gosselin everywhere but with her kids? And is everyone else just as tired of being given minute details of Tiger Woods' life as if it were news? And is everyone else on royal watch with me? All these rumors of Prince William getting engaged are really getting me excited for the possibility of a ROYAL WEDDING!!! (Who else had Princess Diana paper dolls when they were kids? My sister Katie and I played with ours until the edges of the paper frayed...)
• Lucy's monogrammed newborn sleeping gown came in a couple days ago and her Shabby Chic bedding came in today. I'm so excited. Is it August yet?

Those are all my random thoughts for now. What are you thinking about today?

Better late than never -- Will's nursery

Back on my old blog (which is private) I shared all our plans for Will's nursery, but I never shared pictures of the final product. Well my wonderful Leslie (uh, the best photographer EVER) took some shots back in October and even though Will is 5 months older and we're now living in a different place, I thought, what the heck, I'll post them anyway!

I had asked Les to do some "an evening in the life of Will" kind of shots, so she captured us doing his bath and bedtime routine.

Getting ready for the tub -- I love how he's completely naked here but you can't see anything because his ROLLS are in the way! I miss those rolls of baby fat. He's getting leaner now as he's getting more and more exercise at playtime.

Suds-ing up!

He looks sweet on his Mama here. Breaks my heart with preciousness.

Now for lotions and powdies...

...and an attempt at taming Will's wild hair. (It's tame now and I miss the wildness!)

Daddy prepares the blanket for swaddling...

...while Mama gets in more kisses and cuddles.

Will always liked to look at his "friends" while Mama swaddled him. (And no, I did not lay him down to sleep in his crib with all those blankets!)

Will's room in the loft is not as bright and cheery as the one pictured here, and I plan to remedy that as soon as we make our next move. He'll even have to (hopefully VERY briefly) share a room with his little sister when she arrives! In any case, I'm so glad I had the chance to create a fun, boyish, yet sweet nursery for our Will. I can't wait to really put together a nursery for Lucy!

A photo of a first

Will clapped for the first time on March 19 at 8 1/2 months old. He was playing with his nanny Jessie and they were listening to Dora singing a song, and he was so delighted he finally got the knack of putting those little hands together!

I love our new Rebel! I highly recommend making a solid investment in a good camera. I have zero photography skills, yet was able to capture a precious moment with great lighting on his face.

Packing for the hospital

My purpose in writing this post is two-fold: First, I want to share about a "blog friend" of mine, Sarah. She doesn't know I'm writing this! I don't remember how or when I stumbled upon her blog (it must have been at least a year or two ago), but I do remember being attracted by her blog's name "This Girl's Life" because I used to have a blog by that title. So, I visited her blog and haven't stopped visiting since. Sarah struggled with the loss of a baby and then a time of infertility, and she shared her heart in her posts as she worked -- with GOD -- through it all, all the feelings of heartache and pain and empty arms. Her faith has inspired and blessed me so many times, especially when God answered her prayers...Sarah is now pregnant with twin girls due in June!!! I remember reading her posts leading up to the point when she conceived, and really feeling her heartache along with her. The Lord so laid her upon my heart that I prayed for her to conceive and kept her in my prayers, so when I read her good news, I was simply overjoyed! This is one of my favorite things about the blog-world: we really can make a difference in each other's lives, especially through the power of prayer. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to participate with many others praying for this special blessing upon her life.

Which brings me to my second purpose in writing this post. Sarah has asked that I help her come up with a list of things to pack for the hospital when she delivers the girls. I remember asking Kate for this very list, and actually following it religiously! Kate had the foresight to also include items that I would need should I go through a C-section, and I'm glad I also followed that portion of the list. You can't be too prepared going into the delivery of a baby/babies!

So, to this end, here is my list of necessaries to go in the hospital bag (I actually packed a whole suitcase and used EVERYthing in it, so I definitely didn't over-pack!). I would love it if everyone who reads this post who's delivered a baby could also contribute and possibly point out items I may have missed. Let's give Sarah a great send-off to meeting her precious daughters!

To pack for Mama (NOTE: there is lots of TMI here for the fellas, so read on only if you're prepared):

• at least 2-3 pairs of very comfortable nursing pajamas (or just plain jammies if you're not going to nurse). You will want OUT of that hospital gown as soon as you're allowed.
• a sweatpants/t-shirt outfit (or two) when you're tired of jammies. Again, think as comfortable as possible.
• a robe for wearing over jammies when you want to take a walk. Marty and I walked down to the cafeteria about 36 hours after Will was born and it felt great to stretch my legs, but I was soooooo not ready to be out of jammies yet, so I just slipped on some flip-flops and my robe and didn't care what anybody thought!
• the aforementioned flip-flops, or comfortable (washable!) house slippers. You might want both.
• socks, socks, socks. I packed the fuzzy-wuzzy kind and used every pair I brought.
• nursing bras, nursing pads, and older panties (if you're going to wear your own; this is not the time to break open some new pretties). Personally, I used the hospital stretch panties until I dressed to go home. They're disposable and you really need them and the way they fit pads until your bleeding has slowed some.
• pads to use (NO tampons!) when you don't need the industrial-strength hospital ones anymore. Sorry to be so frank, but it helps to be prepared for exactly what will go down. You don't want to be surprised by the after-effects of giving birth!
• elastic hairbands or anything you use to keep your hair out of your face. They will come in handy during labor and then later when nursing.
• a birth plan. There seems to be lots of controversy over this, but I don't think it hurts to at least have a general idea of how you want things to go. My nurse, Shannon, asked me lots of questions as soon as she came on-duty and she stayed with me throughout her shift and did a GREAT job of following through on my expressed desires. For example, she helped me hold off on the epidural as long as I could, but then was ready with it when I said the word. I think any great nurse will be happy to do this very thing for you!
• something to do during slow times. I had my labor induced and didn't feel any pain for several hours, so it got to be a bit boring. Take sudoku or crossword puzzles, DVDs (most rooms have players now), or whatever keeps your mind occupied, because you will end up doing a lot of this:

  Watching the monitors and just ticking off the hours!

• makeup bag and any/all toiletries you'll need for a 2- to 4-day stay (vaginal delivery vs. C-section).
• camera/camcorder. We got a great picture of Will sleeping as his first sunrise began to light on his face. Beautiful. We also did some late-night, post-feeding videoing, which we really enjoy watching again now.
• a list of phone numbers for who to call when Baby has arrived (and a designated person to do the calling if you're not up to it -- I wasn't for the first full day).
• your baby's memory book (again, you might not feel up to writing but you can also use this opportunity to have a nurse make the handprints/footprints directly into the book).
• a going-home outfit for yourself. Get dolled-up before leaving because you will feel so much better!

Some important advice:

• Go in looking cute and take pictures. This is the last time you'll look cute for a few days (if not a few weeks!). Be prepared to look like a train wreck. It just happens.

Above: The morning of delivery.
Below: About an hour after giving birth.

• Leave your dignity at the door. You won't just have to endure the poking and prodding by various strangers (oh heavens, having your water broken...), but you'll need help getting to the bathroom, undressing/dressing, taking a shower, etc., especially if you have a C-section. I needed major help the first 48 hours or so, and there just is no place for uber-modesty.
• Help the Daddy prepare, as well, and encourage him to pack anything that will increase his own comfort during the hospital stay, like snacks or a pillow from home (those fold-out chair thingeys are super-uncomfortable).

To pack for Baby:

• hand mittens or onesies/sleepers that have the fold-over flaps to cover Baby's hands so he won't scratch up his little face!
• sleepers/sleeping gowns. Just as with Mama, you will want your baby out of the hospital-issue clothing as soon as possible.
• swaddling/receiving blankets. One word of advice: make sure if your baby goes into the nursery wrapped in one of your blankets, that he/she comes out of the nursery with that blanket! I lost a cute receiving blanket this way because a nurse changed it out and didn't return it to me.
• a couple of hats to keep Baby's temperature controlled (infants don't maintain their body temperature very well at all; that's why it's important to cover them head to toe, but don't smother them either!).
• socks. You will especially need these when using the sleeping gowns, as they have elastic bottoms for ease of diaper-changing but they will not keep Baby's feet warm.
• a special outfit for the official hospital pictures. I bought this monogrammed sleeping gown for Will:
  
• a going-home outfit that's cute and comfy and decently warm with full coverage (lightweight cotton) even if it's summer. This was Will's:

• your Boppy pillow. Because breastfed newborns will nurse on demand every 2 hours or so, I kept my pillow close at hand and often also used it to make a nest for me and Will where we stayed between feedings, too. I love, love, love my Boppy!

• your infant carseat. A nurse will check to make sure that you strap the baby in correctly, and also check that you have the base installed correctly in your car.

Some important advice:

• You will NOT need to pack any diapers, wipes, or any sort of baby hygiene/personal care products. The hospital will give you loads of freebies.
• Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy this time as much as possible. Try not to fret about the learning process of caring for an infant -- it all comes with time and experience, and nurses and parents and friends are great resources, so ask any/all questions that you might have. Don't be afraid to sound ignorant -- we all are new at this once!!!

The windows are wide open...

...and I'm simply drunk on fresh spring air. Right now we have a CD playing the gentle pan flute sounds of "Sedona Spa" (one of those random Target purchases, next to the greeting cards!) and even though the sun finally set an hour or so ago, it's still warm enough in our loft to have the 7-foot French-door "windows" open wide and the array of ceiling fans a-whirling. Ahhh. Spring is definitely on her way in, if not here to stay.

Wanted to post some pictures from yesterday. We visited a new pediatrician, Dr. Estes, who I really, really like. We told her about our problems with the last office, namely the attending physician in charge of Dr. Terry (who we just loved!). The attending physician and I did not see eye-to-eye (that's putting it mildly) on the issue of vaccinations. I'm so very hesitant to over-vaccinate, especially considering that my nephew has autism. After Ethan's diagnosis, my sister became extremely careful with vaccinations and I think it's absolutely reasonable that I follow suit. There is still a debate raging (mainly parents versus physicians) as to whether autism and vaccinations are linked, but until they can prove what actually does cause autism (and nobody knows for sure), then by golly, I'm going to be careful about one of the prime suspects!

Anyway, Dr. Estes listened to all my concerns and expressed that she totally understands my position as a parent (she has 3 children, one of them with Down's Syndrome) and wants to help us make decisions we're all comfortable with. She did recommend that I read Dr. Sears' The Vaccination Book, which she says is basically informative (not opinionated) so that I know which vaccinations I really am okay with and which ones I simply want to forego. I was almost blown away by that -- actual partnering with a doctor. This is what it's supposed to be like! So that is a huge relief for me and Marty. We just were so on edge about our recent experiences with pediatricians and Dr. Estes was such a breath of fresh air.

And in closing, here are pictures of my growing boy!

This was taken on Monday at my OB/GYN's office while we waited on Dr. Pickler. Look at how LONG he is!

This was taken yesterday while we waited on Dr. Estes. Notice the torn paper on the exam table. We had to stick his paci in his mouth to avoid paper-eating.

And here I am with Puppy. Notice that I let him play with a (closed!) Tylenol bottle. My bestie scolds me for this practice. Also notice that apparently I'm 20 weeks pregnant in my FACE, too. Sigh.

Anatomy of a baby's first haircut

It's tradition in my family that little ones don't get their first haircuts until their first birthdays, but we had to break with tradition in Will's case. He was born with so much hair, and even after the normal balding phase around 3-4 months, he kept most of it and then grew even more hair. It was getting quite long and he was looking rather wild, so when my parents were down for a visit a couple weekends ago, Nana gave Puppy his first haircut!

"Uh, did I do something wrong?"

"Mommy, what's Nana doing back there?"

"I don't think I like the sound of those scissors!"

"As long as you're at it, Nana, I'm a bit shaggy on the left side..."

Almost done!

Assisting Nana by holding the comb

"I know it. I'm a stud."